Some of us (including me) know the frustration of lying awake at night, unable to fall asleep even though we did all the best to have a good night rest. The idea for this essay came from my own experience and I wrote it based on my presentation made during GATLA European Summer Residential Gestalt Therapy Training (2025). For almost the decade, time after time I did experience the periods of sleepless nights, sometimes quite long and tiring insomnia. During one of these very heavy insomnia periods, I thought why not to search for gestalt therapists, who talk about that issue. And found one, who did write and talk about sleeplessness not as pathological, but a healthy and creative organismic response, he is Fritz Perls (1893 \u2013 1970).<\/p>\n
First, I want to clarify what this essay is not about. It’s not about sleep deprivation caused by external circumstances\u2014such as demanding work schedules, caring for a newborn, or early morning flights. Also, it\u2019s not about lack of sleep caused by lifestyle choices like late-night partying, last night studying, or gaming. In those cases, we simply don’t have enough time to sleep, or we choose not to prioritize it. Instead, this essay focuses on a different problem: when we do have adequate time to sleep\u2014when we go to bed at a reasonable hour with a full night ahead of us\u2014but we still can’t fall asleep. This is about the inability to sleep despite having the opportunity to do so.<\/p>\n
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Sleepless nights as unfinished situations<\/strong><\/p>\n According to Fritz Perls (1969), sleepless nights can be seen as caused by unfinished psychological processes. He suggests that insomnia unfolds in three phases, which often begin during the day \u2014 long before we lie down to sleep. When we live through our day and experience feelings or needs, which we suppress, hide and forget. That\u2019s how we stay with unfinished situation \u2013 unresolved need, emotion or experience.<\/p>\n Later, the day ends, and the night comes. We go to bed with many \u201cunfinished situations\u201d and sometimes, the organism prioritizes finishing that unfinished business over falling asleep. The challenge is, we\u2019re usually not aware of what exactly remains unresolved.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n How a sleepless night unfolds step by step<\/strong> (as Fritz Perls describes in his book Ego, Hunger and Aggression, 1969)<\/p>\n First: The Discomfort<\/span> Second: Mental or Bodily Agitation<\/span> Third: Misdirected Irritation<\/span> <\/p>\n *** <\/p>\n Own what\u2019s unfinished<\/strong><\/p>\n When we go to bed with too many unsolved problems, unfinished conversations, or suppressed feelings, our mind continues working on them through the night. To support better rest, we can try to limit the problems we carry from day into sleep. Ideally, we might aim to finish situations within the day\u2014or at least, before sleep, write down everything that remains unfinished in a diary or on a piece of paper, consciously setting it aside for tomorrow.<\/p>\n I’d like to share one of my experiences. One night, I woke at 2 a.m. and couldn’t fall back asleep. It was the familiar pattern of restless insomnia. I tried all my usual tools\u2014breathing exercises, walking, changing rooms\u2014but nothing worked. Then I decided to treat it as an experiment. I asked myself: What might be unfinished for me right now?<\/p>\n Suddenly, thoughts began to surface. My first response was fear\u2014because what emerged were big, overwhelming themes: major life losses and unresolved pain. Part of me panicked, thinking, If this is what’s keeping me awake, maybe I’ll never sleep again\u2014these things are too big to solve. <\/p>\n Surrendering to what cannot be controlled<\/strong><\/p>\n Fritz Perls writes in his book Ego, Hunger and Aggression (1969): \u201cIf we want to cure insomnia, we have to face a paradoxical situation: we have to give up the will to sleep.\u201d (p. 321) It means, sleep happens when we let go, rather than try. As long as we\u2019re actively trying to \u201cmake ourselves sleep,\u201d the ego remains engaged, and sleep can\u2019t occur. In this way, the effort to sleep becomes the very thing that prevents it.<\/p>\n When sleep becomes a task to achieve, I notice a cruel irony: the moment I observe my muscles beginning to soften\u2014the very sign that sleep is approaching\u2014part of me gets excited: “Yes! It’s working! I’ll be asleep soon!” And that\u2019s the exact moment, when it all falls apart. The conscious control is back in charge, the task of \u201cmaking myself sleep\u201d becomes another unfinished situation, and I\u2019m fully awake again. The worst part is that this loop creates even more tension. The more I repeat it, the more anxious and irritated I become.<\/p>\n Over time, I’ve noticed that the moments I get the opportunity to fall asleep are when I fully surrender\u2014even to the possibility of not sleeping. If I can say to myself, “It’s okay not to sleep. There are different kinds of nights. I’m still resting and relaxing”\u2014then something shifts. Paradoxically, I often (though sadly, not always) wake up in the morning surprised to find that I slept.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Just Breath<\/strong><\/p>\n Other authors (for example: Matthew Walker in his book Why We Sleep, 2017) who write about sleep include an important element that Perls doesn\u2019t directly mention: the autonomic nervous system, and its two branches. The sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for our active state \u2014 the fight-or-flight response. And the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for rest and recovery \u2014 it\u2019s what we need for deep, restorative sleep. When we go to bed with unfinished business, our sympathetic system often remains activated, making it difficult for the parasympathetic system to take over.<\/p>\n James Nestor in Breath (2020) and Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score (2015) both emphasize that longer exhalation activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping the body shift into a restful state. In everyday life, natural breathing includes both inhaling and exhaling in a rhythmic balance, which supports a sense of calm and well-being.<\/p>\n I\u2019d like to share one effective technique, which follows a 4-2-8-2 pattern: breathe in gently through your nose for four counts, pause and hold for two, then release slowly through your mouth for eight counts, followed by another two-count pause. Repeat this cycle as many times as needed, allowing the extended exhale to naturally encourage the body’s shift toward rest.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Keep attention to the surroundings<\/strong><\/p>\n Closing our eyes is sometimes considered a way to make ourselves sleep. But it might be the opposite\u2014sleep itself induces the closing of eyes (Perls, 1969). This insight has helped me with my dark eye mask. Staying in darkness with open eyes, remaining curious and interested in what’s around me\u2014this is what helps me fall asleep.<\/p>\n One recommendation from Fritz Perls (1969) resonates deeply: “Do not resist the disturbers (be it a barking dog or the thoughts and pictures which invariably will be part and parcel of unfinished situations), but give them all your attention, become interested in them. Listen to the noises around you or look at the pictures in your mind.” (p.322).<\/p>\n Sometimes, when I wake up at night and can’t go back to sleep, I listen to music or a podcast, setting a timer for about 30 minutes. This helps me relax, rest, and quite often fall back asleep. Other times I take my e-reader and read for a while\u2014I appreciate that there’s no need to turn on a light, unlike with the paper book. Both listening and reading help me keep my attention on something external, distracting me from the inner tension and irritation of not sleeping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Limits of This Essay<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s important to acknowledge the limitations of the ideas I\u2019ve shared. While I focused on insomnia as a psychological and experiential phenomenon \u2014 especially through the lens of Gestalt therapy and unfinished situations \u2014 not all causes of sleeplessness are purely psychological.<\/p>\n For instance, I\u2019m 42 years old, and hormonal changes in my body may also be affecting my sleep. It\u2019s known that insomnia can be symptom during perimenopause and menopause. This points to a broader truth: sometimes, insomnia reflects not an unfinished emotional process, but a shift in the physiological state of the organism.<\/p>\n I\u2019m also aware that nutritional factors \u2014 like deficiencies in magnesium or vitamin D \u2014 can contribute to sleep difficulties. These examples show that the body itself may be sending signals that something needs adjustment or support on a biological level.<\/p>\n In a very broad sense, we might still see these imbalances as a kind of \u201cunfinished business\u201d \u2014 the body seeking to restore equilibrium. But that goes beyond the scope of what I feel confident to write about. I\u2019ve set those areas aside for now, as they require medical knowledge and expertise I don\u2019t have.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n References<\/strong><\/p>\n 1. Ego, Hunger and Aggression by Frederick S. Perls (1942)
\nWe go to bed and try to fall asleep, but there’s less noise and distractions to help us avoid what stayed unprocessed within us. So, what we\u2019ve tried to forget or push aside starts pressing in. We may feel discomfort or unease without being aware of the reason. Often, the real need isn\u2019t to fall asleep, but to work through what has been left unresolved.<\/p>\n
\nInstead of drifting into sleep, we begin to experience restlessness \u2014 sometimes in the form of rapid or random thoughts. These thoughts may relate to the unfinished issues, but we may not recognize them as such or we try to ignore and suppress them. In my own case, sleepless nights often come without thoughts at all. Instead, I feel strong bodily tension, especially around my mouth or shoulders. It is a sense of internal pressure I can\u2019t releasee \u2014 which might also reflect the presence of the unacknowledged need.<\/p>\n
\nAs our discomfort continues, frustration may turn outward. Nighttime sounds \u2014 a barking dog, passing traffic, or even a partner\u2019s breathing \u2014 can suddenly feel unbearable. Although the true source of our agitation is internal, we project it onto our surroundings. Perls (1969) notes that this irritation can take the form of a destructive impulse toward whatever seems to block our sleep. Yelling at the neighbours, pounding on the wall or simply begin crying form the sense of helplessness can act as a symbolic release \u2014 a temporary way to express the built-up tension. Sometimes, this acting out provides just enough relief for the body to finally relax and fall asleep.<\/p>\n
\nNext, I\u2019d like to share a few possibilities to support restful nights and offer some reflections from my own experience.<\/p>\n
\nBut for the sake of the experiment\u2014and out of curiosity\u2014I let the thoughts keep coming. I didn’t push them away, also didn\u2019t keep rethinking them, just let them come and go spontaneously. And the next thing I experienced… was waking up in the morning. That truly surprised me. There is always the possibility to acknowledge that some situations cannot be changed. In this case, what helped me relax and sleep wasn’t solving the unfinished, but rather welcoming awareness of that unfinished reality.<\/p>\n
\n2. Gestalt Therapy. Excitement and Growth in The Human Personality by Frederick S. Perls, Ralph Hefferline and Paul Goodman (1951)
\n3. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
\n4. Why we sleep by Matthew Walker (2017)
\n5. Breath by James Nestor in (2020)<\/p>","protected":false},"featured_media":677,"template":"","class_list":["post-675","pamastymai","type-pamastymai","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"acf":[],"meta_box":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/petrone.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pamastymai\/675"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/petrone.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pamastymai"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/petrone.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/pamastymai"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/petrone.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/677"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/petrone.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=675"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}